4 months later...:-)

Well...I have problems keeping up in my written journal sometimes so it's really no surprise to me that I can't keep track of an electronic one...haha :).
Where has time gone?? I CANNOT believe that I am a little over a month from my last year of college...I'm having a difficult time moving one and fully comprehending this because it means that things are going to change. It's not that I dislike change; it's more that I don't want friends to leave, I don't want to be growing up this fast, and for the first time I am truly loving where God has me. I am surrounded by great friends, I enjoy college (not always the homework and the classes but you know, it's a once in a lifetime experience), I am growing and learning more about myself, and I am going to be really sad when this is all over. Don't get me wrong, I'll be excited to get into the real world too and discover what God has for me but to be perfectly honest, the future scares me.
Am I going to be a good teacher? Will I find a good grad school? Will I be able to pay off my loans? Will God bring a guy into my life? Where will I be 5 years from now? Will I still be in contact with all my friends?
I need to learn to fully trust in God. It is incredibly hard (still...haha) to let go and let God. I want to know what will happen and when it will happen but that really takes away the purpose of trusting God and having faith in him.
I'm living life to the fullest. I've been picking up new hobbies and am pretty adept at some of them if I do say so myself. Biggest obsession currently: ballroom dance. I LOVE it. And I'm a pretty good dancer. I've also been running again- which has always been a major stress reliever for me and fun, so I am extremely glad that I have started again. I also have picked up climbing. It's been a little rough on my hands but incredibly fun once I get the hang of it! I love the outdoors- so peaceful.
To end: I have awesome friends, a great family (who I miss A LOT), and am really enjoying life. God has blessed me beyond belief. I'm scared of the future but I am in his hands and I know I can't go wrong when I'm there.


Big Daddy Weave- Give Up, Let Go
Desperate. Grasping with a clenched fist.
I try to hold my own life in my own hand
Frustration sets in, thought I had this
Failure is the one thing that I can’t stand

Oh, You remind me that taking care of me
Was never in my job description.
Oh, now I’m finding You want
to fix it all
You’re just waiting for permission

I’m giving up, I’m letting go
Of everything that I’ve held onto
I’m giving up, I’m letting go
Of everything that I’ve let hold me
Far too long (for so long) Lord I know
I need to give You full control
Help me give up and let go

I want to trust You with my whole heart
Not lean on what I think I understand
And even when I can’t see
Jesus, help me still to believe
You’re unveiling an unfailing plan

Oh, but sometimes the old me creeps back in
Oh, and the only thing I know to do is give it all to You again

Help me give up, help me let go
Help me give up, help me let go
Help me give it all to You

Yo pienso que...

(or in English for you non-Spanish speakers, "I think that...")
I feel like I think a lot. Actually, scratch that. I KNOW that I think a lot. And sometimes it's just not good. Sometimes I just want to turn it off and stop hearing myself for awhile. I process and analyze everything...why can't I just sit back, relax, and not think?
Sometimes I worry, sometimes I just reminisce. A lot of the time it's worry. Why can't I just chill out and let God have full control? I mean, life would be so much more relaxing just to let God have reign in my life. Instead, I choose to fret over finances, fear the unknown, worry about failing, and stress about not "fitting in". Maybe I just am afraid to hand over the reigns and let someone other than me control my life. It's hard letting go and letting God have control...even though I know He is awesome and that He only has my best interest in mind.
Instead I just continue fretting, worrying, stressing and not relaxing and enjoying the things that God has blessed me with.
I have great friends, great roommates, a great staff, a beyond amazing family- in short, I have people who I love and who love me. God has provided me with the things I have needed- I have never been in a situation of desperation. Even when I act stupid, or feel worthless, or something, He is there for me and loves me just the same. And the cool part? That will never change.
I may always think a lot (I probably always will) but maybe instead of freaking out or doubting God's ability, I could just rest in Him. And maybe I could have that peace and full healing I am looking for.
God is just plain awesome.
:-)

Blah.

Fall break has been this week...very relaxing :) I haven't had this kind of break since July/early August and I love it soo much!
This week I decided that I'm a little tired of school and all the same old stuff. I love school- don't get me wrong, but somedays I'm just ready to be finished already. I want to travel- I want to go back to Chile, I want to go to Ireland and Italy...so many places...and I want to go into missions in a Hispanic country.
Then I get to thinking why I love school so much...When else will I get to live so close to so many people my age and hang out and have fun like this? the real world won't be like college. I also enjoy learning (not so much the grades though). I love my jobs (RA and peer leader) even though they can be stressful- I love my freshmen and my residents. I love my staff and the people in first year programs. These are amazing, one of a kind jobs. I also just love the age I'm at right now- I need to stop rushing and just enjoy being where I'm at.
I love life and need to learn to be content all the time no matter whether it's been a good or bad time...life is an adventure :)

And let the insanity begin!

Why in the world do I do everything I do?
Some days I really believe I've achieved balance in my life and then in one week it seems like I can't handle anything. I know I get stressed out at times, but weeks like this coming week make it a good reason to get stressed. I think all my professors conspire and make everything happen in one week. Exam, quiz, essay, presentation, service day, club event, reslife stuff (as always), and then just classes and other everyday things. I know I can do it if I take it one day at a time but I keep looking at the big picture and get to caught up in my worrying and I stop enjoying life and the time I have at school. I only get this experience once and so I'm making the most of it. Sometimes it just gets a little insane. But like I say a lot, I love to stay busy and do well under pressure. So let the insanity begin! I am proclaiming now that I will not only do well in everything but that I will enjoy myself and have fun this week!

Lazy?

It seems crazy to even call myself lazy- I mean, I have two on campus jobs that require a lot of me, I have a full course load, and am involved with some clubs on campus. Lazy is not generally the first word that pops into my mind. But the more I think about it, the more I really begin to believe it's true sometimes. I get so caught up in life and it's business that I let things fall to the wayside. The biggest of those things being my relationship with my Daddy. I get so consumed with "stuff" that when I come home I just want to relax or read or something and I let my relationship with my Father God suffer. I don't know about anyone else, but that tears at my heart. I love my Daddy and want to spend time with Him and it's really sad when life becomes so much more important. Don't get me wrong, God is number 1 in my life but I don't always act that way. I want to start making God priority over everything else and stop being lazy in that area of my life.

Too Much.

Sometimes I really just wonder at why God made me the way I am. I get frustrated easily with myself- I tell myself I am too sensitive, too afraid of what people think, too afraid of what people think of me, too much of everything...It's so hard to just be content and love life because I care too much about stuff. Stuff that doesn't even matter in the long run...stuff that we make into too much of a big deal. I'm tired of not loving and living life the way God intended me to live it- I want to live in His blessings and I want to live believing that I am loved and cherished- which I am. God made me the way I am, and while I do mess up, I'm never too far out of His reach- He's always there to bring me back to Him. And when I feel worthless or without value, He is always there to remind me how valuable and loved and full of worth and purpose I am. My human mind can't always comprehend that but I am eternally grateful for my Father who loves me more than anything- no matter what.